By Dr. Catherine Steiner-Adair, gcLi Scholar
The core values of gcLi include empathy, flexibility, active listening, and meditation. Here is a short piece on how to respond to all the kinds of grief everyone is experiencing, using the “yes, and” social and emotional learning and growth mindset tool.
For those who may not have done this at the annual gcLi Leadership Lab, “yes – because … and” is a social and emotional learning activity that highlights the power of encouragement and helps break the negativity of “no, … because.” It increases openness to new ideas and spontaneous risk-taking in learning new educational content. It’s a game where someone starts to describe an invention –I want to create a hands-free AI Toothbrush – and the group or partner says an enthusiastic “YES!” They then give a clever elaboration, “BECAUSE that will make sure I brush my teeth twice a day”- AND …The next person or partner adds to it …“AND it will also fold my clean laundry on the floor” YES! And so on. In other words, it’s a game that helps us get out of a negative, rigid, or perfectionist mindset and increases optimism and openness to new ideas.
The mantra of “yes, and” is extremely helpful also when students get caught in a cycle of negativity. “I failed my last test … now I’ll never get my grade up because of my new low average.” Hopelessness and frustration move in and tank motivation. A “yes, and” reframe can help. “Yes, I know. I also understand how disappointed you were, and sounds like you still are.” (Acknowledge the truth here and the bad feelings) All that’s very understandable; AND… “and this is a chance to be present in the moment and let yourself see that you are not a failure. It was just one test; let’s see how you can better prepare, and take it one test at a time with an open mind.”
So, here’s a new way to use the Growth Mindset and Social and Emotional Learning ’yes, and’ activity, based on best practices for responding to all kinds of grief. When responding to grief, it’s important to ask your colleague or student, friend or loved one what it is they are grieving. Naming it helps. Listen. Listen more. Empathize. Say, “yes, those are really big losses.” Say, YES to all the loss they are experiencing, and help them validate the reasons. Then, gently, introduce an AND…or at least the possibility of one.
Try to help them find something to focus on in the moment that will bring them into the present. That focusing on something in the moment is the AND. While it is not always possible in acute grief, the ability to acknowledge grief and also connect to something or someone in the present is considered to be the best way to respond.
Yes, and yet here we are, safe right now, zooming with each other, each of us with a cup of coffee. I’m so glad we can share this cup of coffee over zoom and connect like this and be present to each other.
It can feel risky to suggest a positive connection in the moment to someone who is experiencing waves of grief. To my thinking, this is a quiet, gentle, leadership practice.
Grief is about emotion, emotion that accompanies loss. So often we hear people talk about grief in the metaphor of waves that overtake us. It’s an apt metaphor. (YES) But (AND) we don’t want to drown in it. We need to resurface. We need to learn a kind of mindfulness that allows us to be present to the moment in front of us. It can feel impossible or risky to connect to the present moment when you are grief-stricken. For example: “If I stop feeling grief, am I being disloyal or will I forget their tone of voice?” Ultimately, the way out of grief is to bring ourselves to the present moment. That is one practice that heals our suffering. That’s why you so often hear a grieving parent say, “if it weren’t for my child.” It’s the child who keeps them focused on the present.
The challenge is to use our human connections (facilitated by technology) to help one another reconnect to the present moment. Ultimately, it’s a combination of creating a trusting relationship built on empathy, listening, risk-taking, and the mindfulness practice of being present in the moment that becomes a source of soothing and healing.
By the way, it is soothing to us also.
Thanks to Kaitlin Kilpatrick at Woodward Academy for her excellent presentation at the CSEE webinar on grief.
Dr. Catherine Steiner-Adair is an internationally recognized clinical psychologist, school consultant, speaker, and author. Dr. Steiner-Adair has guided over 350 independent and public schools on topics such as strengthening children’s social and emotional development, shaping school culture, navigating the challenges of the Internet, and building leadership. A Research Associate at Harvard Medical School, she has appeared widely in the media in venues like Good Morning America, The Today Show, and The Discovery Channel.