by Katherine Berdy, Faculty and Host of Leadership Podcasts, gcLi; Director, Youth Leadership Forum in Birmingham, AL
Let’s be real: nobody “loves” difficult conversations. They’re the opposite of easy—like standing at the base of a steep hill you’re about to climb, armed with nothing but sneakers and sweaty palms. But here’s the thing: that hard, uncomfortable conversation? It’s often the exact moment that relationships across divides begin to deepen. It’s not magic or a shortcut, and it certainly isn’t effortless. It’s messy, and awkward, and maybe even emotional—but like the view from the top of that hill, it’s totally worth it.
In today’s world, where the political, racial, generational, and gender lines seem like they’re carved deeper and deeper every day, difficult conversations are one of the most powerful tools we have to grow, connect, and collaborate with people who aren’t just like us. When handled with intention and care, they can actually “build bridges across demographic divides.”
So grab a cup of coffee, roll up your sleeves, and let’s talk about why stepping into discomfort can transform relationships. First, we’ll explore why doing hard things together creates connection. Then, we’ll dive into how discomfort (yep, you read that right!) actually accelerates trust. Finally, we’ll tackle how honesty and vulnerability can be rocket fuel for bridging divides.
And because I’m not about to leave you stuck on that steep hill, we’ll close out with some practical tools you can use to facilitate these kinds of brave conversations in your communities, workplaces, and beyond. Sound good? Let’s go.
Doing Hard Things (Together) Builds Connection
Think about a time when you really bonded with someone new. Maybe it was a grueling group project, an intense road trip, or a hilariously disastrous attempt at a gcLi fan favorite: traffic jam! Chances are, that connection didn’t form because everything was “perfect.” It happened because something challenging pushed you to work together, to lean into each other, and to problem-solve side by side.
The same is true for difficult conversations across demographic divides. These conversations are challenging because they push us out of our comfort zones. They force us to grapple with topics like race, privilege, gender, politics, or religion—issues that are deeply personal and often emotionally charged. But when we navigate those challenges with intentionality with someone from a different demographic background, we create something truly powerful: “a shared experience.”
Research shows that shared struggle strengthens bonds. According to the work of Dr. Ronald Heifetz, leaning into discomfort in a controlled, intentional way—what some experts call the PZD, or the productive zone of disequilibrium —provides a platform for empathy and understanding to flourish. When you engage in a difficult dialogue, you’re saying, “I see you. I hear you. And I’m willing to do the hard work to connect with you.” That’s a radical act of respect.
The possible outcome? You’re no longer two strangers separated by invisible walls of misunderstanding. Instead, you’ve got the beginnings of a bridge. You’ve shared the work of climbing that hill—maybe slipping or stumbling along the way—but you’re stronger for it.
Discomfort as a Shortcut to Trust
If discomfort makes you squirm, you’re not alone. Most of us avoid difficult conversations because they’re, well, “uncomfortable.” But here’s the good news: discomfort isn’t your enemy. In fact, when it’s handled thoughtfully, discomfort can actually accelerate trust.
Why? Because genuine connection requires vulnerability, and vulnerability is hard. It’s opening yourself up, admitting what you don’t know, or even apologizing for harm—intended or unintended. When you lean into discomfort during a tough dialogue, you signal that you’re willing to take risks. You’re willing to listen deeply to perspectives that challenge your worldview. And you’re willing to put yourself out there, even when it’s not easy.
Trust doesn’t come from silence. It doesn’t grow when we stick to safe topics, nod along politely, or pretend the tension in the room isn’t there. Trust grows when someone shares their lived experience—even when it’s hard to hear. Trust grows when we approach someone’s story with curiosity rather than defensiveness. And trust grows when, instead of running from the discomfort, we stay in the room.
Here, the gcLi’s focus on bridge-building highlights the role of active listening, which is essentially giving someone your undivided attention and holding space for them, even if it’s awkward or emotionally charged. Trust can be a byproduct of that kind of attentiveness. It’s about presence, not perfection.
(Coming soon: “Climb That Hill, Part 2: Six Practical Tips for Facilitating Brave Conversations” by Katherine Berdy)
Links:
“Adaptive Leadership: Making Change on Intractible Challenges” (Harvard Medical School)
Related, “Adaptive Work,” conflict, & (dis)equilibrium (by Ron A. Heifetz, The Journal, The Kansas Leadership Center)
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Katherine Berdy, M.Ed, is the executive director of Youth Leadership Forum (YLF), a time-tested leadership program for sophomores and juniors in the Birmingham, AL metro area. For 40 years, YLF’s mission is to foster meaningful relationships across Birmingham’s many demographic divides. Berdy is the former director of The C. Kyser Miree Ethical Leadership Center at The Altamont School in Birmingham, AL, where she created community partnerships and experiential educational opportunities for Altamont’s students. Katherine’s career and pedagogical foundations began in the mid 1990’s while working as an outdoor educator in the Rockies and Pacific Northwest. Since then, she has worked as a teacher, photographer, leadership and academic coach, mentor, and facilitator. Katherine has presented at SAIS (Southern Association of Independent Schools) and NNSP (National Network of Independent Schools) with gcLi. She holds a B.A. in Communication Studies from Vanderbilt University and a M.Ed. from the University of Montevallo. Her teaching portfolio includes classes in English, theater, creative writing, leadership studies, public speaking, and debate. In her spare time, Katherine enjoys traveling, hiking, reading, knitting, photography, and spending time with friends and her husband and two children.