by Andrew Prince, Faculty, gcLi; Head of Upper School, Collegiate School in New York City
“Well I’m sure they are doing their best…” is one of my catchphrases that gets the most obvious eyerolls when I share it with those in my orbit. An effective communicator is likely to have some phrases that others know by heart and poke fun at a little, but the response to my assertion that everyone does their best is different. People have an almost visceral reaction to this phrase, most likely because it is usually coming in the context of a conversation about behaviors we cannot understand and do not like; a parent “throwing a fit” about a grade, a colleague behaving “less than professionally” after receiving unwanted news, or a student disrupting a class for the umpteenth day in a row. Anyone dealing with these circumstances might get a bit frustrated and assume, even subconsciously, the poor behavior is coming from a place of malice. And while that assumption is understandable, it is limiting in terms of our ability to make sense of and intervene to solve the problematic behavior. Moverover, naming that the other party is doing their best can be a helpful way of elevating a shared goal.
The problem with attributing malicious intent to the unwanted behavior of others is that it robs us of the opportunity to be curious. When I assume that a community member who is exhibiting undesirable behavior is doing their best, I then end up asking why they are acting out. This curiosity is the best footing I’ve had for making a meaningful difference regarding undesirable behaviors as it has frequently led me to conversations with those who know the relevant person best and many of the times, answers. The answers to “so why are they behaving like this” have ranged from the parent having a recent diagnosis of a significant illness, to a faculty member whose close relation was ill, to a student whose parents had forced them to be at the school away from their friends. The “why” needn’t align with my world view or illicit feelings of empathy though it does in many cases. And that is because understanding the “why” is not about facilitating a “warm and fuzzy moment” where we suddenly agree with one another. In each of these cases, I uncovered invaluable information that I was able to use to support the other party. In the first case, we put a network of support around both the parent and child and worked in close collaboration with them, the grade was an afterthought by the end of our work. In the second case, we made a point of checking in regularly about the close relation while reaffirming professional expectations. In the latter case, the student ultimately separated from the school which was both difficult and the final intervention we had. That is, doing our best to understand why a person is behaving as they are helps us to tailor a more effective intervention and avoid similar patterns in the future.
Moreover, naming that a person is doing their best and that we are with them in doing our best can be an invaluable step in the process. Both of my sons spent some time in the NICU– they were both in excellent health in most regards and it was never in doubt they would leave the unit in good health. And those combined three weeks of time were still some of the most stressful of my life. I was miserable, irritated, and almost certainly unkind to the folks who were in my path. While each of the nurses was beyond professional and an expert in their craft, those who I had the best interactions with, who I felt comfortable with and who I listened to most, were those who made it clear that we were both working for what was best for my children. They didn’t try to account for or explain away my upset nor did they assume I was just being an ass and treat me as such. They continually acknowledged that they knew I was doing my best – which was not very good at that time – and that they were also doing their best and together we would get my babies home. This is a tact that I have employed time and time again with all constituent groups, parents/guardians most especially, with great outcomes. Centering our shared desire to see the relevant child do well is a reminder that we are partners in our work, that it is our responsibility to see the good intentions of one another because we cannot serve students well unless we do so.
The work of educating children for the 21st century is only getting more complicated. And in the middle of February with Winter Break long forgotten and Spring Break too far away, mustering the strength to assume others are doing their best is difficult. However, it is incumbent upon us as educators and leaders to lean into this particular kind of curiosity. We will not serve our students well if we take the easy road of assuming those who frustrate us, even if we know they are dead wrong, are acting with bad intentions. Whether it is for the sake of our students, in the name of efficacy, or for our own self-preservation, asking why someone is behaving in ways we cannot understand is essential to identifying the cause of that behavior and addressing it.
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Andrew is the Head of Upper School at Collegiate School in NYC. Prior to his time at Collegiate, Andrew worked as the Dean of Multicultural Education at the Taft School in Watertown Connecticut. Andrew has also taught at Montclair Kimberley Academy, Chinquapin Preparatory School, and volunteered as a part of the Jumpstart program which teaches language and literacy skills to preschoolers. Andrew earned his A.B. from Harvard University where he studied Political Theory and minored in Moral Political Philosophy and his M.A. in Private School Leadership from the Klingenstein Center at Columbia’s Teachers College. Andrew lives with his wife Courtney, sons Austin and Archie, and two (big) dogs, Toby and Ginsburg.