Mia Franz, English Teacher, Tampa Preparatory School
The Collapse of Parenting by Leonard Sax, MD, PhD
From acclaimed psychologist and author Leonard Sax comes a sobering look at how changes in the family unit have created a “culture of disrespect” that is affecting not only the way students view and respond to education, but how they define happiness and meaning in their lives. Many American adults can pinpoint specific problems that plague our education system, including the rise of anxiety and fragility in our students and the fact that many proposed “solutions” involve medication. We can pontificate about the value of failure, the benefits of a growth mindset, and the importance of educating “the whole child”—but how do we sell these ideas to those who matter—namely, our students and their parents?
Sax, who has previously published books about how education can better serve both girls and boys (in different ways), including Why Gender Matters, begins with a look at statistics and symptoms of this larger cultural problem, what he calls “ingratitude seasoned with contempt” (21). According to him, the main element that has led to problems with childhood obesity, overmedication, fragility, and academic weakness is lack of parental authority. And the result of parents not behaving like parents is that kids instead seek out approval and support from peers.
This book serves as a call to arms, and it really is pretty simple: Parents, he says, stop being your kid’s friend, and teach them right from wrong. If your kid doesn’t want to eat vegetables, don’t give him dessert. If your child shuts herself in a room to play video games for hours at a time, take away her controller. If he want to spend all his time photoshopping selfies, take away the phone and lead him outside to play. Instead of bargaining for their love, show your love by teaching them how to live a fulfilling and successful life. “In short,” he writes, “many parents have come to assume that good grades and test scores are the best measures of achievement and the most reliable key to future happiness. But … if you want your child to be healthy and wealthy and wise, then your first priority should … [be] honesty, integrity, and self-control” (121).
The book is light on statistics, though there are plenty of notes in the back that reference the wide scope of interviews and research that Sax conducted. Heavy on illustrative anecdotes, he makes a point of comparing the culture of the United States to that of other countries. Maybe the reason that students in Europe and Australia are performing so much more successfully has less to do with their rigorous curriculum and more to do with the fact that students view education as a necessity and a privilege rather than as something cramping their social lives. And this, he suggests, is a message they learn from their parents. It’s one reinforced by their teachers, who expect respectful behavior and may not indulge rudeness (77). Other countries, he also argues, are less likely to throw medication at any behavioral problem, are less impressed by the idea of constant “busy-ness” and over scheduling, and don’t subscribe to the “Live For The Now” culture that has infused the contemporary American dream (203-4). These countries also put emphasis on the importance of family bonds by scheduling more time for parents and children to spend together.
Unfortunately, a large percent of the book’s consumers will be educators rather than parents. Sax’s bottom line is that parents have to take control of their kids and of their family culture, and if this doesn’t happen, the negative effects that we already see in schools and in society will only worsen as time goes on. The positive side? Sax offers some specific solutions to all the devastating problems that he identifies, though they are by no means easy fixes. He also does a good job emphasizing that students need to be taught that they are much more than their test scores, the college they get into, or even the job they aspire to.
In our culture of consumerism, we often lose track of the concept of meaning. One of Sax’s refrains focuses on just that: how to prepare students to live a meaningful life. We do this by helping them understand that they will encounter failure and disappointment and teaching them how they can come out stronger on the other side; by showing them that pursuing a passion without concrete goals can become detrimental; and by finding ways to connect through shared “fun” that will strengthen the relationships between child and parent.
His message to parents hearkens back to those golden rules of kindergarten that he also invokes early in the book: we must lead by example. By being better people, by modeling and rewarding virtue over selfishness and disregard, we can inspire our children (and our students) to do the same. And we’ll all be happier and more reasonable for it.
Mia Franz is the gcLibrary Editor for the gcLi Quarterly and teaches Upper School English at Tampa Preparatory School in Florida. She is an experienced educator and accomplished writer who will be contributing to each edition of our new quarterly newsletter. Mia is the wife of gcLi Faculty member Robert Franz, and has a Master’s in Fine Arts from Indiana University.